Monday, June 7, 2010

The Waterman Movie!

Internet,

After 7 long years, boy genius Bryan Waterman has finally found an outlet to get his very anticipated project, The Waterman Movie rolling.

I've been a fan of Waterman's for a long time, and I can promise you that if you support a fantastic cause such as this, you won't be upset.

It's up to you, internet! Help The Waterman Movie get realized!

Monday, May 31, 2010

WingStop


Internet, I'll be blunt.

I recently had chicken wings so delicious I almost vomited on the face of the person next to me out of pure happiness.

If you are able to somehow find some reason in the borderline ludicrous sentence I just wrote, I suggest you further use your brain by opening Google Maps, finding the directions to the nearest WingStop and driving there at near life-threatening speeds.

WingStop served me, almost without question, the best wings I've ever had in my life. It's odd to say that a chain restaurant is capable of serving something above average, but it's also odd to say that porcupines float in water. But guess what. THEY F*CKING DO.

What separates WingStop (not to be confused with Wing Street, a creature of Pizza Hut's dastardly schemes) from other bullshit is the choices. Sure the chicken is quality goddamn chicken, but when you go get wings, your choices usually amount to buffalo or or grilled.

WELL WINGSTOP JUST DOESN'T STAND FOR THAT SHIT.

You begin your adventure of choices by choosing what type of chicken you will be eating. Boneless, strips, or original. Personally I think boneless chicken wings are the Powers Above's gift to man, right under Rachel McAdams and Hulu.

Once you've chosen your paintbrush, it's time to choose what you're painting on. You can order 9 different flavors of wings.
9 MOTHERF*CKING FLAVORS. They are as follows:

• ATOMIC
• CAJUN
• ORIGINAL HOT
• MILD
• HICKORY SMOKED BBQ
• LEMON PEPPER
• GARLIC PARMESAN
• HAWAIIAN
• TERIYAKI

Just reading those flavors gives me a huge -- ehem, what?

You also have the option of splitting your order into two flavors. I, for example, got a ten piece boneless wings with 5 Cajun and 5 Lemon Pepper. (Fun fact - I won at life) The Cajun came smothered in spices and Louisiana hot sauce so good it would have made both of Russell Crowe's eyes look the same direction. The Lemon Pepper actually tasted like lemon. And pepper.

But the extravaganza of flavor doesn't stop there! And then, the next minute as if by magicks you have the option of dipping sauces leaping out before your startled imagination.

I got the BBQ sauce and the Honey Mustard. Now I know what you're thinking. You're probably like, "Honey Mustard is aight." And you would be correct to say that.
ANYWHERE BUT WINGSTOP.

This is, without a doubt, the best Honey Mustard dipping sauce in the history of forever. If you were to offer me a night on the town with Angelina Jolie or that Honey Mustard, I'd punch Jolie in the face and make love to that sauce all night.

Internet, I'm about to lay down a fact.

You shouldn't be here reading this right now. You should be at WingStop trying not to cry.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

An Extremely Creepy New Feature


If you don't know how I feel about Rachel McAdams, you have either never met me, or you clearly have no ability to think.

As you can see, on the side of this page, you can track Rachel McAdams' on-screen appearances. And to answer your question, no, I'm not going to provide a real-time blue-dot GPS showing her location at all times.

This is simply because I have not yet attained this miracle device, and even if I did have it, I would just end up finding her, trying to speak at her, and then curling up in a fetal position due to the complete irrationality of her beauty.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Brief Word About the Possibility of a Pelican Insurrection


I shall be brief.

I think it's very possible that within the next ten years or so, the world as we know it will end, and the human race will fall to the pelicans.

DISBELIEVERS - WITNESS THIS.

As you can see, this video is almost TOO TERRIFYING TO STOMACH. Pelicans are remarkably fierce warriors. I have always believed them to be ancient savages, trapped here by the Gods to rot with us for all eternity.

Remember, Rorschach said it best; they're not trapped in here with us. WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH THEM.

We must do whatever we can to prevent this cataclysmic apocalypse from taking place. No one expects them. No one really even talks about them. But they are here. Waiting. Waiting for us to stop paying attention.

Until next time.

MIND THE PELICANS.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Public Restrooms


OH, FOLKS.

It has come to my attention in recent years that I do not like people to hear me urinate in public restrooms.

Before you exclaim, "BUT WILDER, SUCH A THING IS INEVITABLE!" I quickly backhand you and tell you to speak when spoken to.

I am aware such a thing is inevitable. In fact, if I saw someone go into a stall next to me, heard them unzip their fly, and then A BOUT OF SILENCE, I would be very worried, for that would mean that ROBOTS HAVE FINALLY TAKEN OVER OUR PLANET. So I can only imagine that people are either frustrated with my lack of sound, or very concerned and looking for the right moment to switch me off.

I do my best to create a silent experience for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it is because, in essence, pee is gross.

That's really all I have to say today. Go back to your business.



AND PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET ANYONE HEAR YOU URINATE.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Friday, December 4, 2009

Wilder Shaw - A Pinkberry Expert?

Hello internet citizenry,

I was recently contacted by a young female human about being interviewed for the New York University Newspaper.

"BUT WILDER!" you exclaim.
"WHY ARE THEY CONTACTING YOU?" you ask.
"ARE YOU SOME SORT OF FAMOUS OR IMPORTANT BEING?" you ask.

Once you stop barraging me with words, I explain to you that I am in fact, an ordinary humanoid like yourself. But it seems the NYU Paper wants to interview not because of who I am or what I like, but because of what I don't like.

About two years ago, I made a Facebook group called "Pinkberry Sucks". I don't exactly know why I did. I just know I hate Pinkberry (hopefully their website will be enough to turn you to my side), and it seemed the appropriate thing to do. At the time.

Well, now the NYU Paper is running some sort of article about it, and it seems that someone from it found me and interviewed me about why I hate it so. Below, for your reading pleasure, is her questions and my responses. I hope she didn't need someone who took this seriously. If that's the case, coming to me was a bad idea.



NYU N:
What was your first experience at Pinkberry like?
WS:
My first experience at Pinkberry was like that of a child crying at Disneyland for the first time - great expectancy, and broken dreams forever more.

NYU N:
Why did you start the 'Pinkberry Sucks' page?
WS:
I think I was having an argument with someone about how much I hated it, and they said, "Why don't you do something about it", and I said, "FINE." And in some childish attempt to look like I really cared, I birthed this Facebook page.

NYU N:
What is your overall opinion on Pinkberry, people that like/love Pinkberry, or this frozen yogurt craze? Has your opinion changed in any way?
WS:
I think Pinkberry is ridiculous craze that is way too popular for its own good, and the people that support their diabolical cause are no better in my eyes than a room full of John Wilkes Booth. I don't like yogurt at all, let alone frozen, and I can't see myself ever changing that opinion. I believe I also moderate a group called "I Hate Yogurt".

NYU N:
What desserts do you eat? or do you have any other indulgences?
WS:
I like ice cream (or iced cream if you are British, or Tobias F√ľnke), and the OTHER type of frozen yogurt. The one that doesn't taste like landfill. The one made from milk. I also enjoy pie. I believe that when whoever created pie actually created it, the clouds parted and the angels sang. It was a great moment in the history of dessert, and an even greater moment in the history of human beings.

NYU N:
Anything else related to Pinkberry/frozen yogurt that's on your mind?
WS:
Pinkberry is a disgusting corporation that wants to take your money, and in exchange, give you a wasteful paper cup containing poorly defrosted, sour tripe under mounds of unpalatable and off-colored lumps they like to call fruit. It doesn't seem like a good deal to me.


So that's the interview I gave. I wonder if they will ever contact me again.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Thursday, December 3, 2009

New Facebook Ap


Have you guys seen this bullshit new application that Coke Zero put out on Facebook?

The idea is that it takes a picture of you and finds other people on Facebook who "look just like you". Granted, it's kind of cool in theory, but it has a serious problem going for it right now.

IT DOESN'T WORK.

Get ready internet, because according to the Coke Zero Facial Profiler, I look like this:

UM.

Either that's a clever way to insult people from the geniuses behind the Coca-Cola campaign, or this application is piece of shit.

But I urge you all to go out and give it a go. If it's any good, feel free to post your responses here. Or if they're terrifying, belittling pictures of angry Pacific Islanders like mine, feel free to post them here.

With all due respect,
Wilder