Friday, December 4, 2009

Wilder Shaw - A Pinkberry Expert?

Hello internet citizenry,

I was recently contacted by a young female human about being interviewed for the New York University Newspaper.

"BUT WILDER!" you exclaim.

Once you stop barraging me with words, I explain to you that I am in fact, an ordinary humanoid like yourself. But it seems the NYU Paper wants to interview not because of who I am or what I like, but because of what I don't like.

About two years ago, I made a Facebook group called "Pinkberry Sucks". I don't exactly know why I did. I just know I hate Pinkberry (hopefully their website will be enough to turn you to my side), and it seemed the appropriate thing to do. At the time.

Well, now the NYU Paper is running some sort of article about it, and it seems that someone from it found me and interviewed me about why I hate it so. Below, for your reading pleasure, is her questions and my responses. I hope she didn't need someone who took this seriously. If that's the case, coming to me was a bad idea.

What was your first experience at Pinkberry like?
My first experience at Pinkberry was like that of a child crying at Disneyland for the first time - great expectancy, and broken dreams forever more.

Why did you start the 'Pinkberry Sucks' page?
I think I was having an argument with someone about how much I hated it, and they said, "Why don't you do something about it", and I said, "FINE." And in some childish attempt to look like I really cared, I birthed this Facebook page.

What is your overall opinion on Pinkberry, people that like/love Pinkberry, or this frozen yogurt craze? Has your opinion changed in any way?
I think Pinkberry is ridiculous craze that is way too popular for its own good, and the people that support their diabolical cause are no better in my eyes than a room full of John Wilkes Booth. I don't like yogurt at all, let alone frozen, and I can't see myself ever changing that opinion. I believe I also moderate a group called "I Hate Yogurt".

What desserts do you eat? or do you have any other indulgences?
I like ice cream (or iced cream if you are British, or Tobias F√ľnke), and the OTHER type of frozen yogurt. The one that doesn't taste like landfill. The one made from milk. I also enjoy pie. I believe that when whoever created pie actually created it, the clouds parted and the angels sang. It was a great moment in the history of dessert, and an even greater moment in the history of human beings.

Anything else related to Pinkberry/frozen yogurt that's on your mind?
Pinkberry is a disgusting corporation that wants to take your money, and in exchange, give you a wasteful paper cup containing poorly defrosted, sour tripe under mounds of unpalatable and off-colored lumps they like to call fruit. It doesn't seem like a good deal to me.

So that's the interview I gave. I wonder if they will ever contact me again.

With all due respect,

Thursday, December 3, 2009

New Facebook Ap

Have you guys seen this bullshit new application that Coke Zero put out on Facebook?

The idea is that it takes a picture of you and finds other people on Facebook who "look just like you". Granted, it's kind of cool in theory, but it has a serious problem going for it right now.


Get ready internet, because according to the Coke Zero Facial Profiler, I look like this:


Either that's a clever way to insult people from the geniuses behind the Coca-Cola campaign, or this application is piece of shit.

But I urge you all to go out and give it a go. If it's any good, feel free to post your responses here. Or if they're terrifying, belittling pictures of angry Pacific Islanders like mine, feel free to post them here.

With all due respect,

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

More Fortune Cookie Madness

Hey Webternet,

So for those of you who read my previous blog on fortune cookies, you should know that they are already on my shit list.

Well, here are a couple more examples of completely unacceptable fortune cookies, all stemming from the slipshod menace that is Panda Express.

It says, for those of you who are unable to read poorly-taken, low quality, blurry photographs:
"If your work is not finished, blame it on the computer"


That's not a "fortune"! That's not even a "compliment", like they tend to be when they are not fortunes! That's not... anything!
Are they trying to be clever? Blame it on the computer? You fail so hard, Panda Express. If anything, this is just "bad advice". They're called fortune cookies, not marginally clever adage cookies.

Here's another one that just might be worse than the previous.

"You will be unusually successful in business"

Is it just me, or is that somewhat insulting? I know it's actually a fortune, but it almost seems like it's saying it with surprise that you of all people are going to be successful in something.

It might as well say, "Frankly, I don't quite believe it, but this is what the crystal ball says: You are actually going to make something of yourself one day, you worthless piece of shit."

Absolutely ridiculous.

With all due respect,

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


My first performance of Standup Comedy.

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Real Ghostbusters

Hey Webterverse.

Sorry about the delay in my ramblings. I've been rather busy of late, and all of my internal mind gushings have been put on hold. BUT, here's a story to make up for that.

So I was walking down to In-N-Out in Daly City, and I passed The Hampton Inn. Parked in front was a rather large truck that said Everyday Paranormal on the back.
That's interesting, I thought.
Then I got to see the side of the truck.
And I had to take a picture.

In case you can't read (in which case I have no idea how you've gotten this far into the post, and you have no business being anywhere near this blog) it says, "Ghost Lab".


That's right, I investigated. I went on their website. These guys take themselves totally seriously.

Now, here's the best part about the story. It's not the fact that it exists, no, but the fact that a hotel might have called these guys to come and investigate. Looks like The Hampton Inn got a case of the spooks!

That is just too hilarious.

With all due respect,

Friday, June 12, 2009

Arclight Cinemas

Ok, so, I really hate the Arclight.

Like, I realllllly hate it.

I returned from yet another $14.50 movie a couple days ago, and all I want to do is share my hatred with the world.

The price is simply unacceptable. $14.50? FUG that. Totally not ok. I like the other theater near my house that charges $6. That one's great. And there's only been one shooting in the time I've been there.

I hate the design. If you've been to the Hollywood one, you should know what I mean when I say I feel like I'm walking through the halls of the Titanic.
And that's never a good feeling to have. I want to be at ease when I see a movie, not expecting at any minute the walls to collapse under the weight of the water and drown in the lower level of an enormous theater in Hollywood. All the walls are so elaborately designed, it's just disconcerting. I expect British gentleman to be smoking pipes outside the showroom talking about how they were yet again inconvenienced by poor people.

I hate the people that "introduce" the movie. They are just plain irritating.
"Yeahhh, National Treasure 2. Sweeeet. Who saw National Treasure 1? Woo!"
Totally unnecessary. Completely annoying.
And this particular time I had a guy who didn't know jack shit about the movie he was introducing. I was seeing Away We Go (It's great, you should check out my review on The Movie Wach) and he said this:
"Alright, guys! So this movie stars John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph! This has been a big year for Krasinski, what with T4: Salvation and all."
It hasn't. At all.
John Krasinski was not in T4: Salvation. First of all, the movie is only called Terminator Salvation. Secondofly, John Krasinski is not even in any movies remotely resembling Terminator. Christian Bale is in Terminator. He plays the character John Connor, so maybe that's where the confusion comes from.
I suppose this is an acceptable mistake if you are just someone saying it on the street, but not when you are someone who is supposed to know what the hell you're talking about. It's your job. I didn't even want to listen to him say things that are correct, let alone just make shit up.

I hate assigned seating. I even fly Southwest so I can pick my own seat. I don't want someone else to get a seat directly next to me, and then be obligated to sit there, as with the man that sat next to me at this particular show. There were like ten people in the theater.
I got up and moved, claiming I had accidently sat in the wrong seat.

Even after I validated my parking, I still had to pay three dollars.

That's that. I hate the Arclight, and I intend not to go ever again.

With all due respect,

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Coupon Runs

Webternets -

Here's a story.

I work at a restaurant called Vitello's. It was a fairly large restaurant, and I worked there exclusively for some time. Recently, Vitello's opened up two new locations, Vitello's Express, and Sweet Harts, a deserterie. For Sweet Harts, I have been doing coupon runs. I go to schools, and hand out coupons for free stuff for the youth of our nation.

Also, I'm kind of an idiot.

Like comedian Mike Birbibiliography, I don't really have an "on-deck circle" for ideas. When a sentence comes into my brain, there is no time to think about it, it's just BATTER UP.

So I'm at my old middle school, and I'm handing out coups. Soon enough a woman with blonde hair comes storming up to me, exclaiming, "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

I turn to her.

"What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm passing out coupons."
"You can't do that here! This is school grounds!"
"But... I'm passing out free stuff. I'm not selling anything."

A pause. Then my brain allows me to say this:

"You want one?"

The woman explodes into a fit of angry huffing, and storms away. Probably not the best choice of words.

Later after my run, I'm driving away, and I see a group of about 12 girls from the school sitting on a lawn in front of a house. I drive up to them, roll down the window, and look out.

This is already creepy.

Then my brain allows me to say this:

"I've got something sweet for you girls!"

The girls immediately look horrified, and turn and run into the house.

I understand I'm an idiot, and start yelling, "Wait, no come back! It's free! I mean, you can have a coupon! Wait!"

I've never said anything remotely like that sentence in my entire life. Something sweet? What is this the fifties? While I was on school grounds, all I said to people was, "free yogurt?"

Fail. Fail, fail, fail.

With all due respect,

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Best TV Ever

Hello internet.

I am a movie guy. Not a TV guy. Therefore, I don't watch a lot.
The following is a list of the only TV shows worth your time.

1) Arrested Development
This is the number one best TV show of all time.

2) L O S T
Only a year until I can go back to living my own life.

3) The Office
Both versions. I prefer the American.

4) Extras
Ricky Gervais might be the funniest man of all time.

5) Chuck
If you watch the first season, and move on to the second this show is so beyond awesome. The first season goes slow, and has no real direction, but the second kicks a considerable amount of heineker.

6) Firefly.
Why did FOX have to cancel two of the best shows ever?

7) Castle
This show is about Nathan Fillion being lovable.

8) Dollhouse
Not the best ever, but fun. Wait til you get to Alan Tudyk's episodes. Weeee.

I hope you took notes.

With all due respect,

Monday, May 25, 2009

This Guy?

Ok ladies, take a good look.

This is your precious Robert Pattinson. He is your Edward. Ahem, sorry, not your Edward. Bella's Edward.

He will never be your Edward.


Now, many of female acquaintances will admit that Edward is that character they love so dearly, and not Robert Pattinson.

However, I know that there are those of you who believe Robert Pattinson is Edward. I know you own a secret copy of the Twilight DVD (or maybe you proudly display it on your bookcase).

Take a good luck at this fucker. This person just might be the epitome of doucerocket (see what I did there?).

This picture just reeks of douche. I hope this image is burned into your brains forever.

Edward and Robert can suck it.

With all due respect,

Monday, May 18, 2009

Tylenol "Convenience Cups"

Hello Internets,

This is unspeakably trivial and unspeakably stupid.

I was unspeakably confused by it.

The other day I was out to dinner with some friends. We were having a grand old time, but one of them suddenly developed a headache. Luckily, they had a Tylenol 1-pack.

First of all, I don't know why they're called 1-packs if they come with 2 caplets. But whatever, that wasn't the part that confused me.

It came with a tiny paper pouch, no taller than a stack of about ten quarters. It said, "Convenience Cup" and it had a picture of a water droplet. It was meant to be a way to drink some water to help swallow the Tylenol. A good idea in theory, but let's look at all the problems.

It's paper. You can't have a paper cup. You just can't.

I simply cannot imagine a situation where drinking out of that would be more convenient than drinking out of wherever you got the water. And, if you were getting the water from somewhere, you wouldn't need that shitty paper cup! The real issue with this "cup" lies with the fact that there is no way you could get water into it, without taking it from something much more suited to drink out of than the "cup"! I mean, where are you getting the water to put in it? A drinking fountain? Why not just drink out of the fountain?

The only way I can imagine this being convenient was if it came with water inside it already. It's like saying, "Have some water," without giving you any. Yeah, how bout adding water? And how bout you do that?

Perhaps if it was raining, you could hold the "cup" up to the sky until it was full, but that would take too long.

These are the thoughts I actually have in my brain.

With all due respect,

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Epic Fail

Just a quick epic fail for you fine folks.

I was reading a sample essay today, and the first sentence just stuck out like the sorest thumb in the history of epic fails. Here's a quick pic I snapped:

Animals are wonderful mammals? FAIL. No, not all animals are mammals. Mammals are mammals. Humans are mammals. Not all animals are mammals. Animals have hundreds of different categorizations. How anyone could begin an essay with a sentence like that is beyond me.

What's more amazing is that they had "species" written, and then they crossed it out. Species would have been correct.

Epic fail.

With all due respect,

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Samovar Tea Lounge

So today I went to a wonderful monument of human precision; Samovar Tea Lounge.

There's only a couple locations, but if you can make it, I highly recommend going. I had the pleasure of going to the San Francisco location, and it was snazzy beyond reason.

Very comfy, and very peaceful. I enjoyed some delicious tea, as well as a delicious sandwich.

What can I say? I love sandwich.


With all due respect,

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Fortune Cookies

Remember way back when?

When fortune cookies had fortunes in them? You know, rather than, like, compliments?

I was sitting at Panda Express in San Bruno today, after picking up my new bifocals from the wondrous place that is Sears, and I ordered an egg roll. They gave me a fortune cookie with it.

First of all, why the hell does ordering an egg roll qualify you to get a fortune cookie? That seems like a cop-out. Maybe it's just me, but fortune cookies should be given to those who actually paid for an entire meal, unlike myself.

Second of all, the fortune said, "Your presence livens up any conversation".

When did fortune cookies stop having fortunes inside them? They're always like, "You have an exceptional gift for storytelling", or "Your hair looks nice today". I thought fortune cookies were supposed to have, you know, fortunes. They're supposed to say stuff like, "You will soon come into a great deal of money", or, "In just one month, your penis will double in size".

Maybe it's just me, but I liked that old sense of mysticism that was applied to fortune cookies. With these new dumbass compliments, that mysticism is a bit lost. Who knows, it probably serves me right for eating at Panda Express. Or going to Sears. Or even being in San Bruno at all.

With all due respect,

Word of the Week

This week's word is incredibly fun to say, as long as you don't think about it too much.


Yes, it's absolutely disgusting, but say it aloud. Go ahead.

Call someone a doucherocket, and there's no way they're coming back from that. They gonna need some serious therapy after you bust that one out.

With all due respect,

Thursday, April 30, 2009


Today, in my history class, I heard a girl exclaim the following:

"Fucking dick monkeys!"

I have no witty commentary on this for you. I just wanted to share.

With all due respect,

NBA Team Name Criticism: Eastern Conference

As I am an avid basketball fan, and what with the playoffs going on, I find myself in the position of constantly having to say the names of the teams in the National Basketball Association.

The thing is, some of the names are complete bullhonkey.

The following is the list of all the team names in the NBA, sprinkled with my commentary about the name in question. Enjoy.


The Boston Celtics:
This is a tough one for me. Boston is my most despised team, however, they are called the Celtics, and that is nothing short of badassawesome. The word Celtic refers to Ireland, a wonderful land filled with castles and magic and little leprechauns that grant you three wishes if you rub their lamp. While I want to hate on Boston, their name rocks.

The New Jersey Nets:
This is easily one of the worst names in the league. Really? The Nets? How long did it take you to come up with this name?
"Hey, Bernard, what do we call this team?"
"Well, Admiral Higgins, what sport is it?"
"Hrm... basketball has nets... let's call them The Nets!"
"Bernard, you're a genius."

The New York Knicks:
Before you hate, listen up. While "Knicks" is dumb, it is short for Knickerbockers. Now, I have absolutely no idea what a knickerbocker is. According to Wikipedia, the web's most reliable source, a knickerbocker can be an elaborate iced cream sundae from the United Kingdom. Therefore, The Knicks = sex and win.

The Philadelphia 76ers:
It took me a long time to understand what this meant. In my youth, I thought it was an arbitrary number that just sounded fun to say. Then, as I grew older, and arguably, dumber, I thought it meant the same thing as the phrase "86" that they use in restaurants. Finally one day I found that they had changed from the name "Nationals" to "76ers". It was named after 1776, the year the Declaration of Independence was signed. Um... what? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Just because that's where the Declaration of Independence was signed is not a good enough reason. Fail, Philly. Too bad your team names are not as good as your cheesesteak.

The Toronto Raptors:
First of all, how a Canadian team even got in the mix is beyond me. That being said, the "Raptors" is nothing short of awesome. I mean, what could strike fear into your hearts more than a goddamn raptor? Seriously. When was the last time you heard, "Hey what's that noise? Oh, nevermind, there's no reason to worry. It's probably only a raptor." Nope. Not ever. The fact that Velociraptors are no longer in existence is irrelevant. Raptors rock.

The Chicago Bulls:
Hrm. This was a tough one to reason out. Bulls are iffy. On one hand, it is a ferocious thing, but on the other hand their logo looks more like a pig than a cow. Swine Flu, man. For this one I'm gonna have to turn to Mr. Ernest Hemingway. He used to say the only people that experienced life were bullfighters. I give Chicago a Hemingway stamp of approval.

The Cleveland Cavaliers:
This is a bit too medieval for me. Sure a cavalier is someone of character, and someone who can sweep even the fairest damsel of her feet, but what use does a cavalier have on the court? What, is a player going to be so suave the other team screws up? I'm afraid that is not how it works.

The Detroit Pistons:
What the hell is a piston? Besides some obscure car part, that is a weak one. And better yet, why was their old logo a knight from chess? Perhaps back in the day, Grant Hill could only move two squares forward on the court, and then one to the side. The team seems to have a lot of cool imagery, but lacks focus. Get it fixed, Detroit.

The Indiana Pacers:
The Pacers? Who decided this was a good name? Surely, they can't be referring to the PACER law, an acronym for Public Access to Court Electronic Records. But then again, who let Indiana have a sports team in the first place?

The Milwaukee Bucks:
While better than the Pacers, this is still mediocre. To me, the Bucks are only a slightly less threatening version of the Bulls. Not only could a bull OWNZOR a buck in battle, but a buck can't even pull off a full scale attack. It will buck you. That's like a nudge from The Govenator.

The Atlanta Hawks:
This is a good one, though it is coupled with the fact that until recently Atlanta has sucked some serious wiener. Seeing as if I were to witness a hawk flying straight at me, I would probably run and scream like a small girl and dive into the bushes, I give the Hawks full approval.

The Charlotte Bobcats:
This one is rather contingent upon how many bobcats there are. In my mind, these things are similar to those little dinosaurs at the very beginning of The Lost World. If you see one you are like, "Oh, how cute! I will call it Benjamin." But if you see like 25, they will gang rape you in the bushes.

The Miami Heat:
To me, rather than strike fear into the hearts of their enemies, they just cause mild discomfort. The Heat? I think a team should force people to think, "AHH!" rather than, "Perhaps I should take off my coat".

The Orlando Magic:
I don't know about this one. Right away I want to say that they are pretty good, but it really all depends on what type of magiks they are casting. Like, a love spell? Lame. Apocalyptic fire raining down from the sky upon the thatched roof cottages? Awesome.

The Washington Wizards:
Hell yes, no questions asked. When was the last time you saw a wizard who wasn't awesome? Gandalf, Dumbledore, hell, even the Blind Seer from Krull was the man. Wizards are old, can blow perfect smoke rings, and know all the answers to everything ever. I wish I was a wizard. Washington, you may continue to be called the Wizards. Just... stop sucking.

I'll post the Western Conference later.

With all due respect,

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

This Is Why You're Fat

If you are like me, you are fat.

Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside.

And if you are like me, you will need to change your pants when you see this website.

This Is Why You're Fat is simply fantastic. What's more fantastic is the seemingly abnormal part of my brain that allows me to see the things that they post, and think, "MMM!" rather than, "GAHHH."

I mean, a bacone? BACON FLAVORED ICED CREAM? Nevermind that it was already created by Bryan Waterman in Episode 7 of his cartoon. I still want it.

What about cheeseburger waffles?


With all due respect,

Facebook Suggestions

Hey, The Internet.

This morning I logged onto Facebook, and for the ten millionth time, on the top right side, it had a list of things to suggest for me to "become a fan of".

The first one was Tyra Banks. Good suggestion Facebook.

But no thanks. I clicked the little "x" to make it go away, and the next one that came up was "Not Being On Fire".

I'll repeat that.

Yes, Facebook suggested I become a fan of "Not Being On Fire".

Now the real question lies not with the fact that that the page even exists, but that only 3 of my friends had become fans. I suppose the living-flaming-man fad is about to catch back on. Oh well.

With all due respect,


This is as good as it's going to get.

You expect too much already. So why don't you just back off?

Welcome to the Wilder Shaw Blog For Reading. You may learn a thing or two, but mostly, you will be perplexed by the things that my mind actually allows me to think.

With all due respect,