Thursday, April 30, 2009

NBA Team Name Criticism: Eastern Conference

As I am an avid basketball fan, and what with the playoffs going on, I find myself in the position of constantly having to say the names of the teams in the National Basketball Association.

The thing is, some of the names are complete bullhonkey.

The following is the list of all the team names in the NBA, sprinkled with my commentary about the name in question. Enjoy.


The Boston Celtics:
This is a tough one for me. Boston is my most despised team, however, they are called the Celtics, and that is nothing short of badassawesome. The word Celtic refers to Ireland, a wonderful land filled with castles and magic and little leprechauns that grant you three wishes if you rub their lamp. While I want to hate on Boston, their name rocks.

The New Jersey Nets:
This is easily one of the worst names in the league. Really? The Nets? How long did it take you to come up with this name?
"Hey, Bernard, what do we call this team?"
"Well, Admiral Higgins, what sport is it?"
"Hrm... basketball has nets... let's call them The Nets!"
"Bernard, you're a genius."

The New York Knicks:
Before you hate, listen up. While "Knicks" is dumb, it is short for Knickerbockers. Now, I have absolutely no idea what a knickerbocker is. According to Wikipedia, the web's most reliable source, a knickerbocker can be an elaborate iced cream sundae from the United Kingdom. Therefore, The Knicks = sex and win.

The Philadelphia 76ers:
It took me a long time to understand what this meant. In my youth, I thought it was an arbitrary number that just sounded fun to say. Then, as I grew older, and arguably, dumber, I thought it meant the same thing as the phrase "86" that they use in restaurants. Finally one day I found that they had changed from the name "Nationals" to "76ers". It was named after 1776, the year the Declaration of Independence was signed. Um... what? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Just because that's where the Declaration of Independence was signed is not a good enough reason. Fail, Philly. Too bad your team names are not as good as your cheesesteak.

The Toronto Raptors:
First of all, how a Canadian team even got in the mix is beyond me. That being said, the "Raptors" is nothing short of awesome. I mean, what could strike fear into your hearts more than a goddamn raptor? Seriously. When was the last time you heard, "Hey what's that noise? Oh, nevermind, there's no reason to worry. It's probably only a raptor." Nope. Not ever. The fact that Velociraptors are no longer in existence is irrelevant. Raptors rock.

The Chicago Bulls:
Hrm. This was a tough one to reason out. Bulls are iffy. On one hand, it is a ferocious thing, but on the other hand their logo looks more like a pig than a cow. Swine Flu, man. For this one I'm gonna have to turn to Mr. Ernest Hemingway. He used to say the only people that experienced life were bullfighters. I give Chicago a Hemingway stamp of approval.

The Cleveland Cavaliers:
This is a bit too medieval for me. Sure a cavalier is someone of character, and someone who can sweep even the fairest damsel of her feet, but what use does a cavalier have on the court? What, is a player going to be so suave the other team screws up? I'm afraid that is not how it works.

The Detroit Pistons:
What the hell is a piston? Besides some obscure car part, that is a weak one. And better yet, why was their old logo a knight from chess? Perhaps back in the day, Grant Hill could only move two squares forward on the court, and then one to the side. The team seems to have a lot of cool imagery, but lacks focus. Get it fixed, Detroit.

The Indiana Pacers:
The Pacers? Who decided this was a good name? Surely, they can't be referring to the PACER law, an acronym for Public Access to Court Electronic Records. But then again, who let Indiana have a sports team in the first place?

The Milwaukee Bucks:
While better than the Pacers, this is still mediocre. To me, the Bucks are only a slightly less threatening version of the Bulls. Not only could a bull OWNZOR a buck in battle, but a buck can't even pull off a full scale attack. It will buck you. That's like a nudge from The Govenator.

The Atlanta Hawks:
This is a good one, though it is coupled with the fact that until recently Atlanta has sucked some serious wiener. Seeing as if I were to witness a hawk flying straight at me, I would probably run and scream like a small girl and dive into the bushes, I give the Hawks full approval.

The Charlotte Bobcats:
This one is rather contingent upon how many bobcats there are. In my mind, these things are similar to those little dinosaurs at the very beginning of The Lost World. If you see one you are like, "Oh, how cute! I will call it Benjamin." But if you see like 25, they will gang rape you in the bushes.

The Miami Heat:
To me, rather than strike fear into the hearts of their enemies, they just cause mild discomfort. The Heat? I think a team should force people to think, "AHH!" rather than, "Perhaps I should take off my coat".

The Orlando Magic:
I don't know about this one. Right away I want to say that they are pretty good, but it really all depends on what type of magiks they are casting. Like, a love spell? Lame. Apocalyptic fire raining down from the sky upon the thatched roof cottages? Awesome.

The Washington Wizards:
Hell yes, no questions asked. When was the last time you saw a wizard who wasn't awesome? Gandalf, Dumbledore, hell, even the Blind Seer from Krull was the man. Wizards are old, can blow perfect smoke rings, and know all the answers to everything ever. I wish I was a wizard. Washington, you may continue to be called the Wizards. Just... stop sucking.

I'll post the Western Conference later.

With all due respect,

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