Here's a story.
I work at a restaurant called Vitello's. It was a fairly large restaurant, and I worked there exclusively for some time. Recently, Vitello's opened up two new locations, Vitello's Express, and Sweet Harts, a deserterie. For Sweet Harts, I have been doing coupon runs. I go to schools, and hand out coupons for free stuff for the youth of our nation.
Also, I'm kind of an idiot.
Like comedian Mike Birbibiliography, I don't really have an "on-deck circle" for ideas. When a sentence comes into my brain, there is no time to think about it, it's just BATTER UP.
So I'm at my old middle school, and I'm handing out coups. Soon enough a woman with blonde hair comes storming up to me, exclaiming, "Excuse me! Excuse me!"
I turn to her.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm passing out coupons."
"You can't do that here! This is school grounds!"
"But... I'm passing out free stuff. I'm not selling anything."
A pause. Then my brain allows me to say this:
"You want one?"
The woman explodes into a fit of angry huffing, and storms away. Probably not the best choice of words.
Later after my run, I'm driving away, and I see a group of about 12 girls from the school sitting on a lawn in front of a house. I drive up to them, roll down the window, and look out.
This is already creepy.
Then my brain allows me to say this:
"I've got something sweet for you girls!"
The girls immediately look horrified, and turn and run into the house.
I understand I'm an idiot, and start yelling, "Wait, no come back! It's free! I mean, you can have a coupon! Wait!"
I've never said anything remotely like that sentence in my entire life. Something sweet? What is this the fifties? While I was on school grounds, all I said to people was, "free yogurt?"
Fail. Fail, fail, fail.
With all due respect,