Hello internet citizenry,
I was recently contacted by a young female human about being interviewed for the New York University Newspaper.
"BUT WILDER!" you exclaim.
"WHY ARE THEY CONTACTING YOU?" you ask.
"ARE YOU SOME SORT OF FAMOUS OR IMPORTANT BEING?" you ask.
Once you stop barraging me with words, I explain to you that I am in fact, an ordinary humanoid like yourself. But it seems the NYU Paper wants to interview not because of who I am or what I like, but because of what I don't like.
About two years ago, I made a Facebook group called "Pinkberry Sucks". I don't exactly know why I did. I just know I hate Pinkberry (hopefully their website will be enough to turn you to my side), and it seemed the appropriate thing to do. At the time.
Well, now the NYU Paper is running some sort of article about it, and it seems that someone from it found me and interviewed me about why I hate it so. Below, for your reading pleasure, is her questions and my responses. I hope she didn't need someone who took this seriously. If that's the case, coming to me was a bad idea.
What was your first experience at Pinkberry like?
My first experience at Pinkberry was like that of a child crying at Disneyland for the first time - great expectancy, and broken dreams forever more.
Why did you start the 'Pinkberry Sucks' page?
I think I was having an argument with someone about how much I hated it, and they said, "Why don't you do something about it", and I said, "FINE." And in some childish attempt to look like I really cared, I birthed this Facebook page.
What is your overall opinion on Pinkberry, people that like/love Pinkberry, or this frozen yogurt craze? Has your opinion changed in any way?
I think Pinkberry is ridiculous craze that is way too popular for its own good, and the people that support their diabolical cause are no better in my eyes than a room full of John Wilkes Booth. I don't like yogurt at all, let alone frozen, and I can't see myself ever changing that opinion. I believe I also moderate a group called "I Hate Yogurt".
What desserts do you eat? or do you have any other indulgences?
I like ice cream (or iced cream if you are British, or Tobias Fünke), and the OTHER type of frozen yogurt. The one that doesn't taste like landfill. The one made from milk. I also enjoy pie. I believe that when whoever created pie actually created it, the clouds parted and the angels sang. It was a great moment in the history of dessert, and an even greater moment in the history of human beings.
Anything else related to Pinkberry/frozen yogurt that's on your mind?
Pinkberry is a disgusting corporation that wants to take your money, and in exchange, give you a wasteful paper cup containing poorly defrosted, sour tripe under mounds of unpalatable and off-colored lumps they like to call fruit. It doesn't seem like a good deal to me.
So that's the interview I gave. I wonder if they will ever contact me again.
With all due respect,