Monday, May 25, 2009

This Guy?

Ok ladies, take a good look.

This is your precious Robert Pattinson. He is your Edward. Ahem, sorry, not your Edward. Bella's Edward.

He will never be your Edward.


Now, many of female acquaintances will admit that Edward is that character they love so dearly, and not Robert Pattinson.

However, I know that there are those of you who believe Robert Pattinson is Edward. I know you own a secret copy of the Twilight DVD (or maybe you proudly display it on your bookcase).

Take a good luck at this fucker. This person just might be the epitome of doucerocket (see what I did there?).

This picture just reeks of douche. I hope this image is burned into your brains forever.

Edward and Robert can suck it.

With all due respect,

Monday, May 18, 2009

Tylenol "Convenience Cups"

Hello Internets,

This is unspeakably trivial and unspeakably stupid.

I was unspeakably confused by it.

The other day I was out to dinner with some friends. We were having a grand old time, but one of them suddenly developed a headache. Luckily, they had a Tylenol 1-pack.

First of all, I don't know why they're called 1-packs if they come with 2 caplets. But whatever, that wasn't the part that confused me.

It came with a tiny paper pouch, no taller than a stack of about ten quarters. It said, "Convenience Cup" and it had a picture of a water droplet. It was meant to be a way to drink some water to help swallow the Tylenol. A good idea in theory, but let's look at all the problems.

It's paper. You can't have a paper cup. You just can't.

I simply cannot imagine a situation where drinking out of that would be more convenient than drinking out of wherever you got the water. And, if you were getting the water from somewhere, you wouldn't need that shitty paper cup! The real issue with this "cup" lies with the fact that there is no way you could get water into it, without taking it from something much more suited to drink out of than the "cup"! I mean, where are you getting the water to put in it? A drinking fountain? Why not just drink out of the fountain?

The only way I can imagine this being convenient was if it came with water inside it already. It's like saying, "Have some water," without giving you any. Yeah, how bout adding water? And how bout you do that?

Perhaps if it was raining, you could hold the "cup" up to the sky until it was full, but that would take too long.

These are the thoughts I actually have in my brain.

With all due respect,

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Epic Fail

Just a quick epic fail for you fine folks.

I was reading a sample essay today, and the first sentence just stuck out like the sorest thumb in the history of epic fails. Here's a quick pic I snapped:

Animals are wonderful mammals? FAIL. No, not all animals are mammals. Mammals are mammals. Humans are mammals. Not all animals are mammals. Animals have hundreds of different categorizations. How anyone could begin an essay with a sentence like that is beyond me.

What's more amazing is that they had "species" written, and then they crossed it out. Species would have been correct.

Epic fail.

With all due respect,

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Samovar Tea Lounge

So today I went to a wonderful monument of human precision; Samovar Tea Lounge.

There's only a couple locations, but if you can make it, I highly recommend going. I had the pleasure of going to the San Francisco location, and it was snazzy beyond reason.

Very comfy, and very peaceful. I enjoyed some delicious tea, as well as a delicious sandwich.

What can I say? I love sandwich.


With all due respect,

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Fortune Cookies

Remember way back when?

When fortune cookies had fortunes in them? You know, rather than, like, compliments?

I was sitting at Panda Express in San Bruno today, after picking up my new bifocals from the wondrous place that is Sears, and I ordered an egg roll. They gave me a fortune cookie with it.

First of all, why the hell does ordering an egg roll qualify you to get a fortune cookie? That seems like a cop-out. Maybe it's just me, but fortune cookies should be given to those who actually paid for an entire meal, unlike myself.

Second of all, the fortune said, "Your presence livens up any conversation".

When did fortune cookies stop having fortunes inside them? They're always like, "You have an exceptional gift for storytelling", or "Your hair looks nice today". I thought fortune cookies were supposed to have, you know, fortunes. They're supposed to say stuff like, "You will soon come into a great deal of money", or, "In just one month, your penis will double in size".

Maybe it's just me, but I liked that old sense of mysticism that was applied to fortune cookies. With these new dumbass compliments, that mysticism is a bit lost. Who knows, it probably serves me right for eating at Panda Express. Or going to Sears. Or even being in San Bruno at all.

With all due respect,

Word of the Week

This week's word is incredibly fun to say, as long as you don't think about it too much.


Yes, it's absolutely disgusting, but say it aloud. Go ahead.

Call someone a doucherocket, and there's no way they're coming back from that. They gonna need some serious therapy after you bust that one out.

With all due respect,