Friday, December 4, 2009

Wilder Shaw - A Pinkberry Expert?

Hello internet citizenry,

I was recently contacted by a young female human about being interviewed for the New York University Newspaper.

"BUT WILDER!" you exclaim.

Once you stop barraging me with words, I explain to you that I am in fact, an ordinary humanoid like yourself. But it seems the NYU Paper wants to interview not because of who I am or what I like, but because of what I don't like.

About two years ago, I made a Facebook group called "Pinkberry Sucks". I don't exactly know why I did. I just know I hate Pinkberry (hopefully their website will be enough to turn you to my side), and it seemed the appropriate thing to do. At the time.

Well, now the NYU Paper is running some sort of article about it, and it seems that someone from it found me and interviewed me about why I hate it so. Below, for your reading pleasure, is her questions and my responses. I hope she didn't need someone who took this seriously. If that's the case, coming to me was a bad idea.

What was your first experience at Pinkberry like?
My first experience at Pinkberry was like that of a child crying at Disneyland for the first time - great expectancy, and broken dreams forever more.

Why did you start the 'Pinkberry Sucks' page?
I think I was having an argument with someone about how much I hated it, and they said, "Why don't you do something about it", and I said, "FINE." And in some childish attempt to look like I really cared, I birthed this Facebook page.

What is your overall opinion on Pinkberry, people that like/love Pinkberry, or this frozen yogurt craze? Has your opinion changed in any way?
I think Pinkberry is ridiculous craze that is way too popular for its own good, and the people that support their diabolical cause are no better in my eyes than a room full of John Wilkes Booth. I don't like yogurt at all, let alone frozen, and I can't see myself ever changing that opinion. I believe I also moderate a group called "I Hate Yogurt".

What desserts do you eat? or do you have any other indulgences?
I like ice cream (or iced cream if you are British, or Tobias F√ľnke), and the OTHER type of frozen yogurt. The one that doesn't taste like landfill. The one made from milk. I also enjoy pie. I believe that when whoever created pie actually created it, the clouds parted and the angels sang. It was a great moment in the history of dessert, and an even greater moment in the history of human beings.

Anything else related to Pinkberry/frozen yogurt that's on your mind?
Pinkberry is a disgusting corporation that wants to take your money, and in exchange, give you a wasteful paper cup containing poorly defrosted, sour tripe under mounds of unpalatable and off-colored lumps they like to call fruit. It doesn't seem like a good deal to me.

So that's the interview I gave. I wonder if they will ever contact me again.

With all due respect,

Thursday, December 3, 2009

New Facebook Ap

Have you guys seen this bullshit new application that Coke Zero put out on Facebook?

The idea is that it takes a picture of you and finds other people on Facebook who "look just like you". Granted, it's kind of cool in theory, but it has a serious problem going for it right now.


Get ready internet, because according to the Coke Zero Facial Profiler, I look like this:


Either that's a clever way to insult people from the geniuses behind the Coca-Cola campaign, or this application is piece of shit.

But I urge you all to go out and give it a go. If it's any good, feel free to post your responses here. Or if they're terrifying, belittling pictures of angry Pacific Islanders like mine, feel free to post them here.

With all due respect,

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

More Fortune Cookie Madness

Hey Webternet,

So for those of you who read my previous blog on fortune cookies, you should know that they are already on my shit list.

Well, here are a couple more examples of completely unacceptable fortune cookies, all stemming from the slipshod menace that is Panda Express.

It says, for those of you who are unable to read poorly-taken, low quality, blurry photographs:
"If your work is not finished, blame it on the computer"


That's not a "fortune"! That's not even a "compliment", like they tend to be when they are not fortunes! That's not... anything!
Are they trying to be clever? Blame it on the computer? You fail so hard, Panda Express. If anything, this is just "bad advice". They're called fortune cookies, not marginally clever adage cookies.

Here's another one that just might be worse than the previous.

"You will be unusually successful in business"

Is it just me, or is that somewhat insulting? I know it's actually a fortune, but it almost seems like it's saying it with surprise that you of all people are going to be successful in something.

It might as well say, "Frankly, I don't quite believe it, but this is what the crystal ball says: You are actually going to make something of yourself one day, you worthless piece of shit."

Absolutely ridiculous.

With all due respect,