Monday, June 7, 2010

The Waterman Movie!

Internet,

After 7 long years, boy genius Bryan Waterman has finally found an outlet to get his very anticipated project, The Waterman Movie rolling.

I've been a fan of Waterman's for a long time, and I can promise you that if you support a fantastic cause such as this, you won't be upset.

It's up to you, internet! Help The Waterman Movie get realized!

Monday, May 31, 2010

WingStop


Internet, I'll be blunt.

I recently had chicken wings so delicious I almost vomited on the face of the person next to me out of pure happiness.

If you are able to somehow find some reason in the borderline ludicrous sentence I just wrote, I suggest you further use your brain by opening Google Maps, finding the directions to the nearest WingStop and driving there at near life-threatening speeds.

WingStop served me, almost without question, the best wings I've ever had in my life. It's odd to say that a chain restaurant is capable of serving something above average, but it's also odd to say that porcupines float in water. But guess what. THEY F*CKING DO.

What separates WingStop (not to be confused with Wing Street, a creature of Pizza Hut's dastardly schemes) from other bullshit is the choices. Sure the chicken is quality goddamn chicken, but when you go get wings, your choices usually amount to buffalo or or grilled.

WELL WINGSTOP JUST DOESN'T STAND FOR THAT SHIT.

You begin your adventure of choices by choosing what type of chicken you will be eating. Boneless, strips, or original. Personally I think boneless chicken wings are the Powers Above's gift to man, right under Rachel McAdams and Hulu.

Once you've chosen your paintbrush, it's time to choose what you're painting on. You can order 9 different flavors of wings.
9 MOTHERF*CKING FLAVORS. They are as follows:

• ATOMIC
• CAJUN
• ORIGINAL HOT
• MILD
• HICKORY SMOKED BBQ
• LEMON PEPPER
• GARLIC PARMESAN
• HAWAIIAN
• TERIYAKI

Just reading those flavors gives me a huge -- ehem, what?

You also have the option of splitting your order into two flavors. I, for example, got a ten piece boneless wings with 5 Cajun and 5 Lemon Pepper. (Fun fact - I won at life) The Cajun came smothered in spices and Louisiana hot sauce so good it would have made both of Russell Crowe's eyes look the same direction. The Lemon Pepper actually tasted like lemon. And pepper.

But the extravaganza of flavor doesn't stop there! And then, the next minute as if by magicks you have the option of dipping sauces leaping out before your startled imagination.

I got the BBQ sauce and the Honey Mustard. Now I know what you're thinking. You're probably like, "Honey Mustard is aight." And you would be correct to say that.
ANYWHERE BUT WINGSTOP.

This is, without a doubt, the best Honey Mustard dipping sauce in the history of forever. If you were to offer me a night on the town with Angelina Jolie or that Honey Mustard, I'd punch Jolie in the face and make love to that sauce all night.

Internet, I'm about to lay down a fact.

You shouldn't be here reading this right now. You should be at WingStop trying not to cry.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

An Extremely Creepy New Feature


If you don't know how I feel about Rachel McAdams, you have either never met me, or you clearly have no ability to think.

As you can see, on the side of this page, you can track Rachel McAdams' on-screen appearances. And to answer your question, no, I'm not going to provide a real-time blue-dot GPS showing her location at all times.

This is simply because I have not yet attained this miracle device, and even if I did have it, I would just end up finding her, trying to speak at her, and then curling up in a fetal position due to the complete irrationality of her beauty.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Brief Word About the Possibility of a Pelican Insurrection


I shall be brief.

I think it's very possible that within the next ten years or so, the world as we know it will end, and the human race will fall to the pelicans.

DISBELIEVERS - WITNESS THIS.

As you can see, this video is almost TOO TERRIFYING TO STOMACH. Pelicans are remarkably fierce warriors. I have always believed them to be ancient savages, trapped here by the Gods to rot with us for all eternity.

Remember, Rorschach said it best; they're not trapped in here with us. WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH THEM.

We must do whatever we can to prevent this cataclysmic apocalypse from taking place. No one expects them. No one really even talks about them. But they are here. Waiting. Waiting for us to stop paying attention.

Until next time.

MIND THE PELICANS.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Public Restrooms


OH, FOLKS.

It has come to my attention in recent years that I do not like people to hear me urinate in public restrooms.

Before you exclaim, "BUT WILDER, SUCH A THING IS INEVITABLE!" I quickly backhand you and tell you to speak when spoken to.

I am aware such a thing is inevitable. In fact, if I saw someone go into a stall next to me, heard them unzip their fly, and then A BOUT OF SILENCE, I would be very worried, for that would mean that ROBOTS HAVE FINALLY TAKEN OVER OUR PLANET. So I can only imagine that people are either frustrated with my lack of sound, or very concerned and looking for the right moment to switch me off.

I do my best to create a silent experience for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it is because, in essence, pee is gross.

That's really all I have to say today. Go back to your business.



AND PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET ANYONE HEAR YOU URINATE.

With all due respect,
Wilder