Thursday, February 18, 2010

An Extremely Creepy New Feature


If you don't know how I feel about Rachel McAdams, you have either never met me, or you clearly have no ability to think.

As you can see, on the side of this page, you can track Rachel McAdams' on-screen appearances. And to answer your question, no, I'm not going to provide a real-time blue-dot GPS showing her location at all times.

This is simply because I have not yet attained this miracle device, and even if I did have it, I would just end up finding her, trying to speak at her, and then curling up in a fetal position due to the complete irrationality of her beauty.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Brief Word About the Possibility of a Pelican Insurrection


I shall be brief.

I think it's very possible that within the next ten years or so, the world as we know it will end, and the human race will fall to the pelicans.

DISBELIEVERS - WITNESS THIS.

As you can see, this video is almost TOO TERRIFYING TO STOMACH. Pelicans are remarkably fierce warriors. I have always believed them to be ancient savages, trapped here by the Gods to rot with us for all eternity.

Remember, Rorschach said it best; they're not trapped in here with us. WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH THEM.

We must do whatever we can to prevent this cataclysmic apocalypse from taking place. No one expects them. No one really even talks about them. But they are here. Waiting. Waiting for us to stop paying attention.

Until next time.

MIND THE PELICANS.

With all due respect,
Wilder

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Public Restrooms


OH, FOLKS.

It has come to my attention in recent years that I do not like people to hear me urinate in public restrooms.

Before you exclaim, "BUT WILDER, SUCH A THING IS INEVITABLE!" I quickly backhand you and tell you to speak when spoken to.

I am aware such a thing is inevitable. In fact, if I saw someone go into a stall next to me, heard them unzip their fly, and then A BOUT OF SILENCE, I would be very worried, for that would mean that ROBOTS HAVE FINALLY TAKEN OVER OUR PLANET. So I can only imagine that people are either frustrated with my lack of sound, or very concerned and looking for the right moment to switch me off.

I do my best to create a silent experience for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it is because, in essence, pee is gross.

That's really all I have to say today. Go back to your business.



AND PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET ANYONE HEAR YOU URINATE.

With all due respect,
Wilder